


The Life Expectancy Of Bruce Banner

by TheMarvelLife



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Diary/Journal, F/M, Fluff, It’s a diary, Love, Multi, Other, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-15
Updated: 2017-11-21
Packaged: 2019-02-02 19:12:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12732561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMarvelLife/pseuds/TheMarvelLife
Summary: This a sorta journal and book on my life. My thoughts and my journey through everything I have been through. It's kinda a thought up thing, but whatever. People want to know about Bruce Banner, and the way he thinks. So, I made a book about it. Read as much as you want, I won't judge.





	1. Introduction?

**Author's Note:**

> This entry is right after the first Avengers movie.

Where do I start? My name? Bruce Banner. 

Who do I work for? The Avengers. S.H.I.E.L.D and myself.

..........................................

Actually. I don't like that beginning. It's broad and tight. Punctual.

................................

Knows: What you probably know about me, from the news is that I'm a scientist. A whack job scientist that went off the cliff. A rage monster that has destroyed cities and has killed love ones.....a monster. 

My teammates seem to say another different thing. Tony especially. I scared Natasha, feel bad about that. Clint is kinda on the fence. Steve is a nice guy all in all and Thor barely speaks to me. When he does though it's not mean or nice, just talk.

I don't mean to be this way, honest. I never asked for this. Any of this. But I got it. Life has its ups and downs. That's cool. I guess.

............................................

Let's restart this again....

............................................

I'm Bruce Banner. I'm an Avenger. I think. Or is "The Hulk" an Avenger? We wonder.....

............................................

Ok. 

Knows: I'm a rage monster. I sometimes save the world. I'm a little out of control, people like to think. I like to think that a little. 

When you hear stuff a lot you start to think it might be true. I've been to a lot of sad places. I've seen a lot of sad things. 

It lets you know how much you have. Why do people see people suffering and automatically see how good their lives are?

How do you get something so good, out of a bad situation?

People are suffering and dealing and I'm here. Right now. Writing. Some people don't have that.

.............................................

This wasn't suppose to get that personal. 

Maybe I should end this right here......yeah.


	2. Friends

Friends: a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.

...................................

The Avengers are nice people. Really. Nice. Well put together. 

Unlike most, I'm different. But, I still fit in. They are my family.

.......................

The family I never really had.......

........................................

Steve is like the dad of the family. Really. He takes care of us, sorta. We can all handle ourselves, but I look to him for direction.

Thor is like the oldest brother. He's crazy and bold. He would beat you in a fight in seconds, just to prove his point. Somewhat like Tony, but different. 

Tony is like the drunk uncle nobody really likes. But I like him. He's my bro. He's a crazy party guy, who likes to show off and have a good time. At long as he is enjoying himself, he's fine.

Clint is that middle child. He's ready for people to treat him like an adult and tired of getting bossed around by bigger people. He's very secretive and I've never seen him get emotional. 

To be honest.....I've seen any of them get emotional. Except maybe Tony, but that's because we spend so much time together. 

Natasha is the only sister. She will kick your butt and she doesn't like to be messed with. She is not heartless, never has been. She'll flirt with me occasionally just because. Other then that, she spends time with Clint.

 

...........................................

I'm just there. Wandering. Lost. Not really a soul keeper. 

I screw things up. Trying not to get too close to these people. Trying not to hurt them.

But look. I just explained them. I've been spending too much time with them. Too many hearts need to be spared. 

 

.......................................

But maybe they don't.....they never really needed me anyways.

I'm destruction. A mishap. A screw up.....

........................................

Friends: They are there for you. 

.............................................

Friends: Leave. You gotta protect them from you somehow. Before you break them. Or hurt them.

....................................

Leave.


	3. Monster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter may have some triggers, idk. He takes about suicide but not what he did and how he did it. It’s not too in description.

Monster: A cruel wicked and inhuman person

.......................................

I'm pretty inhuman.

I'm pretty cruel. Hulk is.

I'm hulk........right?

...........................................

Right?

............................................

He did tear everything I ever loved away from me.

Or was that me all along?

Did I tear everything I ever loved away from myself?

.............................................

I have blood on my hands. 

I'm red.

Really red......

I've killed people.

You don't understand....I've killed people....

I've taken names.......names I don't even know.

They had families.

Kids. Husbands. Wives. Brothers. Sisters.

I lose control and they pay. They pay for my mistakes....

How is that fair? 

..............................................

People say, it's not you..........

But it is. 

It's all me.

I'm Hulk. Hulk is me. When hulk leaves I take his spot. When I leave he takes my place.

That's it.

We've always been the same person.

We always will.

I can't cure it. I can't find a way to leave him. This is my story. A nightmare.

A horror story that nobody wants to read.

I don't blame them. 

Who wants to read this?

....................................................

This is about a man.

That's a monster.

Always has been.

He hurts people.

Says sorry......

But sorry is just another way of saying nothing can be fixed.

....................................................

I'm a bad man

.....................................................

I'm a very bad man

......................................................

I'm tired. Really tired.

.....................................................

Bet those people we're tired though too.....and then I came along.

And they didn't get a chance to say goodbye.....they never do.

......................................................

They say I'm just a scientist.

What they really mean is that Bruce Banner is a monster.

A monster in hiding.......

I try

........................................................

I've tried to save people as myself.......I've tried

I've tried to end it.....

End everything.

Stop my horror story

But I know I can't make a page of a book disappear.

I can't end a story......except this one....

I can end this story.

...............................................

But I won't......

Because.....

Because....that would mean my dad was right..

That I was a failure.

I'm not a failure......right?

Right?

................................................

Monster: Robert Bruce Banner


	4. Team

Team: A corporative unit 

 

I work with a nice team of people

The Avengers

If you hadn't heard

Sure you have. Tony makes sure it goes around.

I love them.

I really do

But......

Sometimes I feel as though they look at me weird

Not all of them.

Natasha and Tony don’t 

But......still

.........................................................

 

Team: A bunch of people that use each other's skills to do something important

Skills: 

Bow and Arrow

Worthy Hammer

Iron Man suit

Electric Batons and Perfect Aim

A Throwing Shield

And......

Rage

.........................................................

Everybody has rage.

But, usually they don't hurt a lot of people

Sometimes, they don't hurt people at all

They are normal

People

I'm........different

I'm not a person

I'm not normal

.........................................................

Team: The Avengers

People that save the world

They don't destroy it

They don't try

I mean....we all have problems

Problems can be fixed

We all make mistakes

Mistakes can be taken back or erased

But only some of us can't do any of that...

They can't bring back whole buildings and family members

They can't bring back cities

They can't erase tears and fear

I can't erase tears and fear

I only make it

.........................................................

Team: The Avengers - Me

= Lives Saved

=Happy Families

=Safe Cities

=Safe Homes

=No Monsters

=Control

=No Problems

.........................................................

Why did they come get me? What good have I ever done to actually make them want me?

My destruction?

My power?

Or my brain.....doubt it

The Team doesn't need me here

They never did

.........................................................

My bad outways my good 

15:2

.........................................................

Team: A group of people that can save the world and not have to worry about controlling themselves

Control

.........................................................

I don't got it


	5. Family

Family: All the defendants of a common ancestor

.........................................................

I never had siblings

I'm glad

They probably would have gotten abused too

I couldn't live with that

Not ever

.........................................................

 

Family is like a bond with many people that you can never let go.

A very tight bond

Very tight

Very

You can hate them sometimes

But you always end up coming back to them or the other way around

I wish I could say I didn't live that about family but....

I kinda do

They don't care about anything with you. They love you no matter what

.........................................................

Family has nothing to do with blood

Nothing what so ever

Don't let anybody tell you it does

That's not even logical and I'm a rocket scientist

.........................................................

Family: Doesn't end with blood

Tony, Natasha, Clint, Thor, Steve.

That's my family

They are all I got

All I really want

Really

I couldn't live with myself knowing one of them got hurt

They care so much for me I never really get the chance to thank them

Maybe.....

Maybe because I try to keep away from them

I don't want to hurt them

I don't want to be the one to hurt them

Ever

I hurt anybody that hurt them

.........................................................

What if I hurt them?

.........................................................

Family: Is there for you no matter what

They are always there for me. 

No matter what.

Especially Tony and Natasha

.........................................................

Tony is my best friend.

My brother

The brother I never had

There for me since the beginning

I feel like he always will be 

He drags me into stuff

But takes care of me

Threw me a surprise birthday party

I loved it

I really loved it

One of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me

/IS/ the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me

.........................................................

Natasha is like my bodyguard

But also a close friend

She looks out for me and talks to me on my bad days

She cares, I can tell

I respect her  
.........................................................

 

Family: You got to love them

They love you

.........................................................

They love me


	6. Love

Love: a deep feeling of affection

Love.....such a wide and weird topic

I /have/ to talk about it, it's a topic people wanna know about

Well....if you wanna know....

It's painful

That's why they call it "falling in love" 

Because it's like falling

It's like you can't help but fall

You wanna stop falling but your not touching the ground anymore

Touching the air....

............................................................................

Love: it's like skydiving

............................................................................

I was in love once....

Twice

The first time was in highschool...

Cindy Watergate

She was blonde with perfect hair

And I was the nerdy kid that fell for her

I use to give her the problems to my homework, even though we were in different classes, I had all the honors classes. Including, a few college classes in freshmen year

It didn't matter

She was perfect to me

She was Cindy Watergate

I didn't figure out she didn't love me until her boyfriend came and beat me up behind the school one day for looking at her. She stood there and watched me get beat and I realized that people didn't want me, they wanted my brain.

I didn't feel love for a long time after that

................................................

The second time I was in love was with Betty

I loved Betty

I still love Betty

We are friends now

I'm glad she found someone 

He's a great guy and he really care for her. 

He can't hurt her and he won't hurt her. He's the best thing for her.

Betty was one of the best things that happens to me

She helped me realize what real love felt like

.....................................

Love: Some people don't deserve it

I love "love"

It's such an amazing feeling

Like when you see the person and you can't stop smiling in your head

Or when they talk and everything that comes out their mouth sounds as nice as science

Or when you see something and the first thing that pops into your head is them

And you care about their opinion more than anyone else's or your own

You can't get enough of them and you don't care

They could talk about air and you would think the world of them

It's like discovering a solution to a problem you've been working on for months; the excitement and rewarding feeling but instead you get that by love into at a person

Butterflies in your stomach

Everything that the novels and films express you feel too

..............................................

Love: It's not always romantic

I love Tony

He's the best 

He helps me when I need it and always gives his support

I understand how tired he gets sometimes and I'm always there for him too

He cares so much

I'm grateful for him and the things he gives me even though I usually try to deny them

I don't wanna use him out and make it seem like I only want him for his things

Because if he thinks I only want him for his money he might run away and leave me alone 

I hate being alone

...................................................

Natasha is amazing 

Sometimes we sit and we talk for hours about anything

Once I couldn't sleep and so I went to the lab and started to work on something. She came down and watched me a few moments in silence until I started to talk to myself about science. I knew she probably didn't wanna talk and so I had a conversation to myself. It went like that for hours until eventually she fell asleep. I wrapped a blanket around her and kept going.

Sometimes she'll start talking and I will listen instead. 

Sometimes neither of us would say anything and we would just comfort each other through silence

I like it when she talks

She talks about lots of things like her childhood and some of the places she's been

She usually leaves out the gruesome parts and makes the stories sound like she's a tourist traveling the world looking for adventure and truth. 

But that's fine because she never says anything either when I leave out the certain parts in my stories.

Sometimes when she's saying something to me I listen and.....

And I.......

..................................................

I understand.

...................................................

I think I might.........

....................................................

No....I can't

...................................................

I think I might lov-...................

No...

I won't say it.

....................................................

I'm ending this here


End file.
